Monday, January 17, 2011

I got the best piggy back ride in the entire world...

Something very odd happened after we woke up. We found a half orc in our room with us. I found my heart beating fast like a war drum and my first inclination was to draw my bow and fire, however, Heian stopped me. He said, "I hired her to help find the elven citadel a while ago. She had some other mission she had to accomplish, so we agreed that she would catch up to me when she was done. So, halfling, lower your bow."
I lowered my weapon, but only reluctantly. The half orc scowled at me and declared that she did not like stupid halflings because they reminded her of yappy dogs.
I said to Heian, "Why didn't you tell us that you hired someone else? I almost killed her!"
He grinned as he cleaned his sword. "If I told you everything, dear halfling, what would be the fun of it all?"
I was about to protest that I did not like surprises when the half orc smiled stupidly at me, pointed, and said, "Ha ha! You talk funny! Me like you!"
"Great", I muttered to myself. "She likes me."
Then, she said, "You tell me story, silly halfling?"
"No! I will not tell you a story..." I said, checking my supply of arrows. To my dismay, I was starting to run a bit low.
Then Sister Brangwen did something perhaps I should be angry at...but instead I am joyful about.
She leaned over to the half orc (whose name is Ihma) and said, "You know, Ruby likes piggy back rides. Maybe she'll tell you a story if you give her a ride."
Ihma's face lit up. She lumbered over to me and said, "If me put you on my back, you tell story?"
I thought about it long and hard. It had been a few days and that dirty elf refused to give me a piggy back ride. Plus, Ihma was the tallest person I had ever seen ever. If I rode on her back, why, I could touch the stars...
So, I said, "Sure. Ok..."
Then, Ihma snorted and said, "Me don't know. You dirty thief. Me think you steal me father's club..."
So, after swearing an oath that I would not steal her father's club, I received the best piggy back ride in the entire world. I could touch the ceiling of the tomb and everyone below me looked puny. Other people say I squealed in delight, though I maintain that I kept my bearing.
Anyway, I digress...
So, after that glorious piggy back ride, I was in an elated mood. I now love that stupid half orc, better than I like the elf.
Sorry, Sorry...
So, after the initial shock of another party member, we set off in another direction. After properly checking a door for traps, I stood back and let the battering ram(Ihma) kick in the door. When she did, a bunch of skeletons came out of the dust from the door and swarmed her. I felt helpless because arrows are next to useless against skeletons. Good thing we had Sister Brangwen, however, because she managed to turn three of those horrible creatures. With great difficulty, Heian and Ihma managed to re-kill the unturned dead.
I was ready to leave, but Ihma insisted we finished off the other skeletons. We all barely managed to stop her, although she did wiggle her butt at the cowering skeletons and did a manner of odd and childish things. (To my surprise, the skeletons did not attack her.)
After we managed to reseal the door, we went to the next room. Again, I properly checked for traps and again I found none. So, once again, Ihma bashed in the door.
We came across another sarcophagus. Remembering what happened last time my idiot party opened a sarcophagus, I warned them to turn around and leave. Of course, they would not listen to me and Ihma flipped the lid open and began bashing the living crap out of the bones inside. Good thing they did not reanimate, though I still feel uncomfortable about desecrating the resting places of the dead. Still, at least they took the precaution of bashing up the bones. Sister Brangwen told me that they were the bones of some Saint with crazy eyes. Having heard this, Ihma put two rocks in the skull socket and proclaimed, "Now you look like you." We died laughing, and attracted a wandering band of goblins.
It feels awesome to be useful. I pegged a goblin in the eye and instantly killed him. I got another in the neck and a third in the chest. Heian got one in the stomach, Ihma just plain smooshed one, and Sister Brangwen crushed one's skull in like a rotten melon. It feels awesome to kill evil things...
After we mopped the floor with the goblins, we went into the room with the weird door. I checked it and this time Heian gently pried the wax seal off and pushed the door open. What did we find? Another frickin' sarcophagus. Lorenzo and I stayed outside this room, and, of course, they opened that one too and beat the crap out of a bishop's bones. Afterwards, Ihma put the mangled bishop hat on her head and roamed around proclaiming she was a saint. What a goof ball. Thankfully, nothing climbed out of the sarcophagus... This time...
We checked the last temple room and found two goblins and their pet ferret. Without even checking to see if they would talk, we attacked. I took out both goblins, but not without some help from the fighter types. The ferret latched onto to Ihma and I tried to pick that off too, but ended up hitting her by accident. Finally, I believe Sister Brangwen took the ferret out. For revenge, Ihma skinned the ferret and swallowed it whole, leaving the skin in a bloody mess next to the goblin corpses. She saved the head, ate the flesh off, and made a necklace out of the naked skull. Gross...
Next, we pressed on right into a natural looking cave, roughly hewn from the otherwise cleanly crafted temple halls. I checked the ground for traps. I got a rash of crap from the elf, who asked, "Why? Why must you check everything for traps? Are you going to check the air for traps too?"
I merely replied, "You can never be too careful." I know from past experiences that the one time you forget to check for traps, you set one off. That's how my beloved mule, Daisy met her end... Of course, being a heartless elf, how can he possibly relate to this?
Though I did not find any traps, we did walk right into a giant rats' nest. I stood back from the crowd, but Ihma, Sister Brangwen, and Heian got surrounded by those filthy creatures. We did well and killed them all, but Ihma was looking pretty ill, so she stepped back and threw a net to catch the rat. She missed and it landed just shy of a scraggly, black thing. She picked it up, hopped back, and threw the net again. It landed in the same place. She snorted and said, "Hmm.. Net good for fishies. Not good for rats." Then, she began to lob rocks.
I used my last arrow to take out the last rat. That sucks because I'm only really good at firing arrows into combat, not so much in melee like the others. I want to go back to town and get more arrows, but at the moment we are resting outside, because Brangwen and Ihma look ill. While I was frying up the last of my mushrooms, Heian pulled me aside and said, "Hey. Good job in there, halfling. You make a fine bowman."
"Thanks?," I said, but he immediately turned away and continued gathering firewood. Maybe that vile elf is not so bad after all, even if he is a little rough around the edges. Now if only he would give me a piggy back ride... At least no one in this group makes fun of my lisp like the last group. Maybe I tend to make snap judgements about people too soon... Oh well... I have to go, the food is almost ready. We are having rabbit fried in mushrooms and thyme, with some bread and hard cheese for a side and some good wine for a drink. I think after all that time in the temple, we deserve a good, hot meal made by yours truly.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

So I set myself on fire...

Our party had recently gotten back from the caverns, empty handed and mildly frustrated. While Sister Brangwen and I decided to compose ourselves at the inn, Drisnir ran off with a prostitute, claiming that he was going to "save her from her horrible fate by marrying her." I'm glad he's gone,because frankly, I did not care for him. After all, not only did he make fun of my unfortunate lisp, he also constantly reminded me that I was smaller than he was and that at any moment, he could strike me down like a child would step on a prone beetle. If it wasn't for Sister Brangwen, I'm sure he would have killed me for not following his orders. What a fop.
Anyway, Sister Brangwen and I were staked out at the Green Griffin, when another adventuring opportunity presented itself to us. A peculiar elf by the name of Heian Galaradel approached us and offered to buy us drinks. I was personally surprised and delighted by this elf's generosity, so we sat down to sup and converse.
Heian apparently has a secret map to a certain temple which has a hidden elven citadel underneath and he was looking for some adventurers to accompany him on his quest. Since we were low on money and had no other opportunities presenting themselves at the moment, we decided to accompany this distressed elf.
So we set off in the direction of the temple, though before we left, I bought ten pounds of mushrooms (YUM!!!!) and solicited a piggy back ride out of a grizzled old man named Lorenzo. (I'm not particularly fond of Heian at the moment, because he would not give me a piggy back ride. I usually only let handsome human men be my steeds, however, since there were no handsome human men around, I had to look for handsome elven men. Frankly, I am insulted that he refused to give me a piggyback ride. Most men are thrilled to do such for me, especially since I give them money in return.) Heian hired on Lorenzo to be our porter as well.
So, without further ado, we set off towards the temple. It was a ruined temple of Epona. It broke my heart to see how distressed the temple was, but something struck me as not quite right, so I scoped the area out for traps. I found none, but got a few sneers from the elf.(What a jerk!)
At first glance, there seemed to be no discernible entrances to any lower levels of the temple, however, Sister Brangwen got the amazing idea of moving the alter out of the way. So, after much pushing and hard labour, we managed to find a set of stairs leading into the underbelly of the temple and perhaps the hidden elven citadel...
After carefully inspecting the area for traps, we set off down the stairs. At the bottom, there was a landing and some goblins. I tried talking to them, but for some reason, I just made them angrier. (Must have been something I said.) Needless to say, we killed all but one(he ran off to warn the others).
After hastily searching the corpses for treasure, we chased after that rogue goblin. We found him in a nearby room, being smacked by what appeared to be his commanding officer. Though I felt bad for the poor goblin, I systematically delivered an arrow in each of their heads, receiving praise from both party members. (I suppose Heian is alright...)
The next room we found ourselves in contained two doors and a sarcophagus. One door was sealed, but the other was open and ready to go. I told my buffleheaded friends that it was a bad idea to open the sarcophagus and that the dead should be left alone, but did they listen? Of course not... So, we got attacked by an animated devotee of Epona.
At first, I tried to use my arrows to dispose of this hideous monster, but for some reason, they did not seem to phase the beast. So, I prepared an oil bomb. It took a while, and that horrible creature was attacking my best friend, however I finally got the bomb ready and threw it. The problem was, I must have let it sit too long because the vile bottle broke in my hand as I was getting ready to throw it and burning oil ran down my arm. Those burns hurt pretty badly, reminding me that my plan to purify the area with fire had failed. (I still have the scar on my right arm.) Finally, I drew my short sword and hacked at the thing. Sister Brangwen finally delivered the death blow. (Go her!)
Her and Heian began to argue about where we should go next. Heian wanted to press on, but Sister Brangwen, being the sound and rational woman she is, told him we should go back to a safe area to check on my arm. He said, and I quote, "It's her own damned fault she burned her arm." Puh! I was only trying to help, though I guess his words were true.
Meanwhile, while Brangwen and Heian were arguing, a bunch of fire beetles came out of the blue and began chomping on us. It startled me to see Heian get brought down so quickly and made me think twice about being so blunt with him. Then, the next thing I knew, Brangwen fell as well and I was surrounded. I managed to take a few of them out, however, they overwhelmed me and knocked me out in the end. As the warm black fog consumed me, I lamented at what a horrible end I was coming to. After all the gold I had obtained and the monsters I had slain and the mushrooms I had eaten, only to become beetle food.
I came to in the room with the commander and his soldier (or where we found them). Lorenzo had apparently ganked the remaining beetles with an oil bomb and had patched us up. I'm so grateful to him, even if he expects a huge bonus for saving our lives. He deserved it after all.
So, we are all right, though we nearly met our end. And I set myself on fire....